letters

THE BECOMING OF ME

I was just reading my previous posts, and I feel humiliated. By myself. 

These past weeks have been so crazy wonderful and heartbreaking. Right now, I am in a pending stage where I really don’t know if I could ever fly out to London to study or not, and I feel like all my plans have been ruined. At the same time, my beloved boyfriend whom I haven’t physically met for more than 1,5 years came home! Finally, yes. These two things happened out of plan and right now, I am pretty sure to say that I am confused, but happy. There’s also a family drama going on right now, but I just don’t have the heart to write it here, so be it. 

I talked to some of my bestfriends, by ‘best’ I mean those who are really knows who I am and they are the ones who always listen to my cry, my stories, and they are also the one who knows when to stop me when I basically sounds too much. I told them about the past events and how my plans didn’t work out, and they told me that I am being blind. I don’t see that some plans are meant to be ruined to make place for other plans to work. They said, maybe it is time for me and my boyfriend to finally be together in one place to know more about each other and make other plans together. Maybe it is meant to be like that. But as usual, I am being in denial. It’s not like I’m not happy to be together with him right now, but I am being so stubborn and keep on pushing so that our original plans can work out. 

I realized that I am far from being grateful. But since my boyfriend is out on the woods for a couple of days for hunting, I have time to think and reflect. What if what my friends said is true? What if it really is meant to be like this? I still don’t have the answer, and I am still perfectly confused. I can say that I am emotionally volatile right now. 

What I do know is my own feelings. The last time I met my boyfriend, I feel so happy I wanted to cry. I feel that I am in the right place, in the right moment, with the right person. I can not plan anything else and I will never know what will happen in the next few weeks, but I am so grateful that I have my boyfriend with me in times like this. He makes everything seems easier. I hope he knows that I am grateful to have him in my life.

I know that I am also far from knowing who I really am, I think it is the best time for me to start re-discovering what I want and what I can be. I am loved and I am blessed, I should never complaint – I really hope that is possible – and start feeling good and taking everything positively out of my situation. Wish me luck!

 

xo

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